I read the article below on a derby blog site and totally identified with the girl who wrote it. There have been many moments over the last few weeks that I have been crying on the inside with frustration at trying to master learning to skate from scratch. I know it was ridiculous to expect to grasp all these techniques straight away but still I beat myself up every week at not managing the basics. Even last week i was angry that I fell at least 5 times in the 5min trial. But then that night I had a wee think about it and realised that yes I did fall a lot but I was also doing crossovers (maybe not the most graceful but something I thought I'd never master) and really pushing myself. I have always played sports but have definitely found Roller Derby very challenging. So rather than see this as a negative I will celebrate all that I have learnt and will learn and know that I have worked my big butt off to achieve it.
BRUISEBERRY TART

Nugget Syndrome – When Self-Criticism, Perfectionism, Frustration and Anxiety Start to Ruin the Derby Experience. An excerpt from Adventures of a Rookie Roller Girl by Venus N. Vee, #10 ½”, of the Mission City Brawlin’ Betties, Nugget-in-Training http://rookiegirl.wordpress.com/

I am proud of myself.

Eight weeks ago I started a journey I knew was way beyond my ability and because of that, it terrified me. I have never taken on a physical challenge like this and it was completely un-chartered territory.

I’m used to doing things I’m good at. This time, however, I put myself directly in the middle of my uncomfort zone, taking on something I knew, initially, I’d suck at. But there’s something about purposefully making yourself uneasy when you know something else greater waits for you on the other side. It builds character – and this time in a way I’ve never experienced. It created an internal sense of confidence which, step-by-step, made my world get bigger, better.

There were times I wanted out. I wanted to quit. I was anxious. I was fearful to the point of hating what I was doing and not knowing why I was continuing to do it. I felt like I didn’t belong and that I was in the wrong place, doing the wrong thing. I felt like crap about myself for not performing well. I was mean to myself. Many times, I fell into the dark abyss of comparing my lacking ability to the better performance of others. There were times I was nearly throwing up during practice. There were times I was throwing up hours before practice. But, despite my doubts and pain, I continued on. Made damn sure that Pilate washed his hands and sealed his fate.

Then I started to hear a common thread emerge. I was reading a score of other fresh meat blogs. I was talking with my own (better performing) nugget compadres. And this thing I was feeling, the shadow side of my experience, was being echoed across the ethers. At first it confounded me to hear it coming from the mouths of those I deeply admire. From those who were inches away from making their endurance requirement of 25 laps in five minutes. From those who had beautiful crossovers. From those who skated wobble-free from the very first night of boot camp.

And then, within the cacophony of this newborn requiem, I recognized it. What I’ve rightly named as Nugget Syndrome: Whereby one’s sense of self confidence and self-esteem is rocked to the core by a new-found obsession

which finds itself flying above the rooftops on a towering pedestal. The vastness between reality and the obsession is so great that only a psychic tantrum such as Nugget Syndrome can provide the fuel necessary to propel one’s self forward with enough vigor to reach toward the sky. Maybe van Gogh’s ear wasn’t the simply the end of the line, yet the rocket juice he needed to reach a higher plane.

Once I realized this affliction, and its commonness, I got over myself in a big way. On the heels of Viva Violence, our team captain, telling me to STFU after an engulfing whine, I dropped the Syndrome in exchange for getting closer to my destiny. Don’t get me wrong, it served me well, as I imagine it does many others after the starting gun fires. But with all relationships, there comes a time to part ways and move forward with strength. I’m glad I recognized my moment when I did instead of choosing to get stuck with a partnership that had shot its wad. We all know those are only castles burning.

I chose to celebrate my accomplishments and pay homage to from where I came. It doesn’t matter how small or big they are in comparison to others. They are mine. And they have given me entrée to a sense of self-respect I have not had before. I leave these eight weeks behind and open my arms to the next phase of my derby life. I will continue working toward passing my assessments and becoming a full-fledged, bouting member of our team.

Touching the clouds, or even grasping for them, isn’t easy business or for the faint of heart. It’s a job for Amazons, warriors, crazies and badasses – like me.


Rookie Roller Girl

Yes you should defo come to the Sat morning sessions as its so good to be able to talk to the other girls about what you're finding hard. I nailed the plough stop on a Sat

It is defo hard because I know I just wanted to be good at stuff right away, and it doesn't always work out that way. But week by week you notice improvements and even now I know I'm a lot better than I was like 10 weeks ago, so I know everything will fall into place if I keep going (and murdering my muscles...my stomach is dying as we speak thanks to Queenie's crunches )

Good luck miss and AWESOME derby name!

yeah as Alma says a huge part of playing derby is perseverance - picking yourself up and trying again and again. If you're not falling over loads and covered in bruises, you're not trying hard enough...

i'd like to say it gets easier but it doesn't, haha! it's a constant challenge, there's always something new to learn - and as one of the *mere mortals* i struggle to pick things up, to make my body (and brain) do the things that everyone else seems to find really easy, and my first instinct is almost always 'ah there's no point i'll never get it...' BUT stoicism combined with stupid pride has kept me going, for better or worse . your self-esteem can take a battering and it's really good that you're looking at how to work through this and put a positive spin on things.

cos although it doesn't get easier the sense of achievement keeps growing, and the more you learn the more fun it becomes

I whole heartedly agree with all of the above! I was in the fortunate (and I've since learned, rare) position of being able to skate before I went to fresh meat , but have spent A LOT of time beating myself up about the team sport side of things, tactics/awareness etc, as that is completely new to me and is still something I struggle with muchly. Therefore anyone who embarks on derby maddness while also learning to skate has my instant respect!

It's soooooooo super easy - too easy in fact to focus on the negative of your abilities and therefore miss all the little steps towards improvement that you do make. Vi and Alma are spot on though, derby can simultaniously batter your self esteem and make you feel like a million bucks but that's what we all must thrive on because we keep comin' back for more!!

Fantastic blog (and thread) as this is something which skaters of all levels will be sure to relate to, and the sooner people realise that derby makes everyone die inside sometimes the better!

Looking forward to skating with you! xxx

Thanks for posting this Bruiseberry! I'm also in the same boat as you being a fresh meater and I know I was getting frustrated with myself on Sunday over not being able to stop correctly, or do the falls but then I kept having to remind myself that before 2 weeks ago I had never had a pair of quad skates on my feet. Even managing to get around the track on Sunday with a bit more confidence on Sunday for the second 25 in 5 made me smile. That was a welcome thing after not being able to really get the hang over side stepping across the hall on my skates.

It's nice and refreshing being aware that everyone began at the same point as us, and we're all going through it together .

I know I'm not a natural athlete and never really have been so I'm mega proud of myself for being able to skate around the track at all.

This is great to read...thanks for posting! I only started as a fresh meater last week and even though I have only skated these two weeks I was still getting annoyed at myself! This has made me feel a whole lot better, and made me remind myself that I really can't be that bad considering i've not had any type of skates on since I was about 6!



I totally agree with you Kirds!

I'm pretty low in confidence generally (joining derby without knowing anyone at all beforehand is a pretty big deal for me!), but it's definitely starting to boost my confidence, even after only 2 weeks! Being able to stay up without falling over constantly makes me rather chuffed...and I suppose I can only get better! Just need more practice!

huge hugs to all you lovely derby girls- i you all and i derby. bruiseberry sent me the blog on facebook and it really struck a chord. i fall over A LOT and feel like a total tit every time. however its heartening to hear from newbies, improvers and indeed wise owls who all felt the same at one time. im so stoked to be part of such a supportive community of females. (im a nurse, believe me i know how horrible women can be !!!!)
ive gort a wee tear in my eye as i write this.
hurrah for
Sweaty xxx

Great thread, and yeah I echo the above comments. I started at the previous FM and have had so many moments when I wanted to turn around and walk out the door. I have had the tears welling up in the eyes, I have had the moments of utter disgust and bitter disappointment. I too am very hard on myself and often forget how far I've come in a short period of time. I agree that if you don't fall, you are not pushing yourself hard enough. I fall constantly, and everytime I shout in my head GET UP!!

I can't remember which wise owl said it, but it totally stuck with me... try and remember one moment of each practice when you do something right...when you have a GLORY moment. And just smile over that wonderful, amazing moment.

We are not mere women, we are derby girls.

Bullet xxx

PS the latest group of FM are bloody awesome, I'm super impressed at how well EVERYONE was doing and it's only week two! 14 more weeks and we'll all be rock stars

mmm I love this thread...so nice and supportive!

It's all so true, and derby is so complicated - really, skating AND being tactical, hitting AND dodging hits, being offensive and defensive at the same time, fouls, whistles, rules, there is so much to learn constantly but it's so much FUN!!

I really hope everyone keeps pushing themselves and coming along even if you feel really down, we're all here to support you through this and you WILL all be super powerful skaters by the end of it!

I hate endurance with a vengeance but just have to keep pushing myself... if you go into something with a positive attitude it can have a huge effect on the way you perform.....although I do remember throwing up the first time we ever did pyramid sprints haha, I think my body was in shock with the sudden excercise spurt

I really wish we had some video footage of the first practices some of the current Thistles were at because I'm sure it would make you all feel so much better haha.